Parshas Chukas 5782
Imagine a candidate for public office preparing for an upcoming debate. He’s sitting at campaign headquarters flanked by his staff. “Okay, Senator, they’re going to ask you about the budget. How can you possibly maintain that you’ll both balance the budget and lower taxes? What will you respond?”
“Well what if I just tell them it’s none of their business?”
לפי שהשטן ואומות העולם מונין את ישראל לומר מה המצוה הזאת ומה טעם יש בה לפיכך כתב בה חקה גזירה היא מלפני אין לך רשות להרהר אחריה
רש׳׳י יט:א
For the Satan and the nations of the world will deride Israel, saying, “What is this mitzvah [of the Red Heifer], and what is the reasoning behind it?” Therefore, it is written that it is a chok—an abstract law. [G-d declares], “It is a decree I have issued. You have no right to consider it.”
Rashi 29:1
The Torah introduces the mitzvah of Parah Adumah—the ceremony of the Red Heifer—by labeling it as a chok—a mitzvah whose meaning transcends logic and rational understanding. As Rashi explains it, this is in order to shut down an inevitable conversation. Outsiders will look at this mitzvah and be baffled by it. They’ll ask about its reason and relevance. And Hashem’s response is, “It’s none of your business.”
To be sure, Parah Adumah is seen as the quintessential chok. Though many of the Torah’s mitzvos defy rational explanation, Parah Adumah appears even more strange than the rest. But is it so that no attempt could be made to explain it? At least in part? Commentaries from the Midrash through the modern day set about to shine light on why a cow of all animals was selected to create purity, the symbolism of the color red, and many other facets of the mitzvah. Couldn’t some of this same insight have been shared with those questioning the mitzvah’s import?
The question posed by the Wise Son and Wicked Son in the Haggadah are strikingly similar. Both wonder why the mitzvos being performed are important to those gathered at the table. Yet while the Wicked Son is taken to task for using the word “לכם—to you,” a seeming indication that he removes himself from the Jewish Nation, the Wise Son uses the same word and escapes any such scolding.
What separates the two, many suggest, is something that cannot necessarily be picked up in the dry text of the Haggadah that we read. It is tone. It is body language. It is the facial expressions that accompany the otherwise innocuous question being asked. The Wise Son evinces curiosity, while the Wicked Son sneers. The Wise Son wants answers; the Wicked Son is resigned to ask questions and poke holes.
Over the course of my life I’ve received many a question about the beanie on my head, the strings hanging out of my pants, and the small rectangular object nailed to my doorpost. Items that have piqued the curiosity of those unfamiliar with them, prompting a sincere inquiry. But not everyone is so sincere. A question is often just a means of window dressing an attack in order to make it appear benign.
The expression used by the Gemara that Rashi quotes above is “מונין—they deride.” This is a group whose mind is already made up about the Jewish People and whose mission is to mock and taunt. Parah Adumah, a highly enigmatic mitzvah, proves a suitable tool to aid in the attack. But answers cannot be given if the question isn’t really a question.
Instead, the Gemara notes that Hashem’s response is, “None of your business.” We’d do well to learn from His example and put into practice the same behavior.
It is so easy to get roped into a debate when someone begins to ask questions and poke holes. We feel the need to defend our position, the direction we’re taking, or some deeply held belief. The closer any of these are to our heart, the more easily our blood boils when pressed. We’re baited into the conversation and we spend time and energy on a battle that can’t be won, and then walk around angry and annoyed that, “So-and-so had the audacity,” and, “Who does he think he is?” and, “Why can’t he see how foolish he’s being?” Which is to say that the other guy’s mission has been accomplished.
Why are there people who want to bring us down? Any number of reasons. Their own jealousy, pettiness, self-consciousness, or even just boredom. And poking holes in what you’re doing or what you believe is far easier than addressing any of those other issues. But be careful before you fall headlong into a debate that is pointless from the get-go.
Instead, try to pause and briefly assess the person’s intention. Is this person inquisitive or passive-aggressive? Are their inquiries genuine or are they just trying to get a rise out of me? Are they posing questions that I haven’t thought of and can actually learn from by answering them, or am I getting sucked into a fight I can’t win because they’re not actually interested in what I have to say?
If the former, engage. But if the latter, find a way to elegantly duck out. If, “None of your business,” isn’t quite in your comfort zone, find a more agreeable way of shutting down the conversation.
“Good point, I’ll have to think on that.”
“Actually not sure about that yet, still figuring it out.”
“Well what do you think about it? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Oh, that’s so interesting. Thanks for sharing that. Bye, now.”
Earnest inquiry is a critical part of any path to success. Those who will pose honest questions that help us refine our beliefs or tactics are the best kind of people to keep in our orbit. But keep your ears out for detractors—those who question and needle purely for its own sake. Such people threaten your optimism, your self-esteem, and your success. Find a way to tell them it’s just none of their business.