Parshas Vayechi 5781
If Parshas Vayechi is about anything, it is about death. The passing of Yaakov Avinu is such a seminal event—the concluding chapter of the story of the Avos—that the entire parsha is dedicated to his passing. In so doing, the Torah offers a roadmap regarding the proper manner of dealing with and processing death. Yaakov gets his affairs in order, his children are by his side during his final moments, his last wishes are meticulously upheld by Yosef and his other brothers, he is granted a fitting burial in the family plot, and is duly mourned by his family members.
For this reason, Parshas Vayechi has traditionally become a time to discuss matters of death and mourning in Jewish life. For me, the topic has been on my mind more than usual this particular year, as this past week we gathered for my father’s unveiling. And though it’s been over a year since his passing, I still reflect regularly on the perspective gained and lessons learned from the experience of sitting on the other side of the shiva chair.
Death is one of those difficult topics that can throw even the closest friends and the most socially adept for a loop. What are you supposed to say? How are you supposed to act? I’ve heard from many people over the years that they are so reticent to pay a shiva call for fear of discomfort, that they’ll do their best to simply attend a minyan in a shiva home so that the mourner can take note of their presence, without the need to fill the space with awkward conversation.
But paying a shiva call or reaching out to a mourner really ought to be viewed as more than a dreaded obligation to be discharged as painlessly as possible. It is an opportunity to show friendship and offer genuine comfort without much difficulty. Simply being present or reaching out in a small way leaves an aveil feeling cared for, supported, and uplifted. This is a process we should all want to be a part of.
Like every valuable enterprise, there are do’s and don’t’s when it comes to comforting a mourner. What follows are some helpful hints in reaching out to and being there for mourners, developed in part from having spent a great deal of time by mourners’ sides, but more than anything from going through the process myself not very long ago. I hope they’ll be helpful in providing some guidance for dealing with what is ultimately an unavoidable part of life.
Texts are welcome
Yes, texting is the most casual of all forms of communication and may feel too informal for a topic as weighty as death. And while I don’t mean to suggest that a text ought to take the place of an in-person shiva call, not everyone can realistically be by the mourner’s side in person. I found that the ease with which texts could be read and even responded to made them far more welcome than voicemails and emails. Shiva is a draining process and what little time aveilim take to decompress while they are not receiving visitors can easily be gobbled up in an attempt to listen to voicemails or even read emails. Something as simple but direct as “I’m so sorry for your loss. May you only know comfort and happiness. Thinking of you and your family” is a touching reminder that the aveil has the support of friends. Texts are a far easier medium to process briefly between visitors or during a bit of downtime, and even provide the mourner with an ability to send a simple response should they choose.
(While on the topic, something of a pet peeve of mine. Can we please replace “BDE” with “Baruch Dayan Emes”? Sending a text is already going the convenient route, I think there’s value in taking just a bit of time to actually type out the words. Save it as a text replacement if you must.)
An Aveil is not a Lulav
Chazal instituted many halachos designed to keep the mourners focused on their lossed loved one and to provide tools to visitors to provide some comfort. This is one area of Halacha in which maintaining the spirit of the law, not just the letter of the law, becomes critical. If the process of offering comfort becomes too robotic, it can lead to the exact opposite of the halacha’s intent, leaving the Aveil to feel like he or she is but an object being used to fulfill the mandate of nichum aveilim, rather than actually feeling comforted.
A friend of mine commented how, upon returning to yeshiva following the loss of his father, someone approached him in the Bais Medrash, did his best to make conversation, then abruptly asked, “Would you mind sitting down for a second?” A bit puzzled, he sat down, whereupon his friend launched right into “Hamakom yenachem”. My friend went home that night and told his wife, “I became a Lulav today.”
Reciting the pasuk of HaMakom yenacheim is an expression of comfort and identification with the mourner, but sometimes ends up being framed as nothing more than an interest in fulfilling a mitzvah. The words can easily slip out, but it really is best to avoid statements of, “I wanted to be Menacheim Aveil you. Hamakom yenachem…” When reciting this pasuk, try to do so in as organic a manner as possible, following a from-the-heart sentiment, wishing the mourner simcha or good memories.
Take the Temperature
I cannot stress enough the importance of taking a moment to assess the overall atmosphere in the room and the mood of the aveilim in particular. No two people mourn the same way, and indeed, even the same person may mourn two losses quite differently. A mourner may present a generally upbeat disposition or may be particularly somber in the wake of the loss. If he or she is more melancholy, that’s more than appropriate, and it is not the role of the visitor to overly lighten the mood. By the same token, if the mourners are more upbeat, do your best to match their tone. You can speak of the loss, identify with them, share fond memories of the departed or ask questions about their lives, all while matching their more positive disposition.
I was deeply saddened by the loss of my father, but by no means was I cast into unshakable despair for weeks or even days after. There were ups and downs, but overwhelmingly I was pretty upbeat. Dealing with well meaning visits or phone calls form people whose tone was excessively sorrowful and suggested that “You must be feeling awful,” was unfortunately counterproductive and had the exact opposite effect of comfort and consolation.
It can be difficult to know how to act at a shiva call, but when in doubt, let the mourner lead. Assume their tone and comportment to be an expression of how they feel most comfortable and assist them in creating that environment around them.
Shiva calls and reaching out to friends and family in times of mourning can be awkward and uncomfortable. But the impact of being there for someone you care about and letting them know that they are thought of and cared for during a time of need is immense. I hope these tips help provide a bit of guidance, and pray that the need to use them is rare.