Parshas Ki Sisa 5782
“They’re not rejecting me, they’re rejecting my application.”
This is was what psychologist Dr. Guy Winch finally realized after mulling over the fact that he’d been rejected from ten out of ten PhD programs he’d applied to. And, he realized, his application was something he could work on.
Dr. Winch went on to a number of professional accomplishments and is the author of the book, “Emotional First Aid.” On an episode of the podcast, “The Happiness Lab,” Dr. Winch explained that while the average person takes a moment to properly diagnose if a cut finger needs a band-aid or some more serious medical attention, most of us pay little heed to emotional bruises, despite our emotions getting hurt far more often than our bodies. We receive small blows to our self-esteem through experiences of rejection both large and small and it’s important that we have some basic tools at our disposal to deal with them.
Following the Chet HaEgel, Hashem reemphasizes the great threat posed by allowing vestiges of idolatry to remain in Eretz Yisrael once the Jewish People take hold of it. This is a mitzvah that obviously bears repeating in the wake of constructing the Egel. A people that have succumbed to the temptation of idolatry needs to adopt strict safeguards to ensure that it won’t happen again. But what follows afterwards appears oddly out of place:
אֱלֹהֵי מַסֵּכָה לֹא תַעֲשֶׂה־לָּךְ׃
אֶת־חַג הַמַּצּוֹת תִּשְׁמֹר שִׁבְעַת יָמִים תֹּאכַל מַצּוֹת אֲשֶׁר צִוִּיתִךָ לְמוֹעֵד חֹדֶשׁ הָאָבִיב כִּי בְּחֹדֶשׁ הָאָבִיב יָצָאתָ מִמִּצְרָיִם׃
(שמות לד:יז–יח)
Do not make molten gods for yourself.
The Festival of Matzos you shall observe. For seven days you shall eat matzos, as I commanded you, at the appointed time in the springtime month, for in the springtime month you went out of Egypt.
(Shemos 34:17-18)
As Hashem wraps up a series of instructions addressing idolatry, He pivots immediately to a discussion of the Shalosh Regalim—Pesach, Shavuos, and Sukkos, just as Parshas Ki Sisa comes to a close. It is as though the matter of the Chet HaEgel would be incomplete without a discussion of the Shalosh Regalim. Why is this so?
As one of the greatest sins in history, the Chet HaEgel looms large in the collective Jewish consciousness as a moment when we woefully disappointed Hashem, and, at least in part, were rejected by Him. It is only through the persuasive intervention of Moshe that the Jewish People escape destruction at Hashem’s hand and are given the opportunity to repent.
Rejection of that magnitude leaves serious scars and the nation at large would be in danger of being dogged by that rejection forever. Nationally, we could well slink into the corner, shaming ourselves for such a despicable act, and insisting that G-d will never love us again.
The Shalosh Regalim insist that we can move on, that there is more to our relationship with Hashem than failure. There were times of open miracles and profound expressions of faith. He brought us out of Egypt and we followed Him into the wilderness. We are roundly reprimanded for the Chet HaEgel, but Hashem wasn’t rejecting us, he was rejecting our application. Our performance in that particular moment was abysmal, but the relationship is deeper than that one moment alone. Our behavior was rejected, but that is something that can be improved.
We have a tendency to process rejection as being comprehensive. We enter a spiral of self-deprecation, insisting we’re worthless and that we’ll never amount to anything. Dr. Winch notes how ironically tragic it is that we tend to beat ourselves up when our self-esteem is at the lowest. The reality is usually quite different—we may well be receiving poor grades on just one particular decision, presentation, or meeting alone.
Dr. Winch suggests that one handy way to break the cycle of negativity that can follow rejection is to strengthen other relationships that are already working well. Self-isolating is a typical response to rejection, but it is an unfortunate one, allowing the feelings of rejection to consume us. But by forcing ourselves to interact with friends and family members who enjoy our company, we rebuild our self-esteem, which can help us define ourselves by much more than the rejection we’ve experienced. We ease the pain, and are put in a better frame of mind to take productive steps forward.
It is intriguing that social relationships with peers is also bound up with the Shalosh Regalim, and perhaps another dimension to their importance as a response to the Chet HaEgel. The Regalim would be a time when families spend time together, make the pilgrimage to Yerushalayim, and enjoy a holiday in each other’s company. Today as well, even without the Bais HaMikdash, the Regalim serve as an opportunity to connect deeply with family and friends, as we spend a huge amount of time preparing for and celebrating the holidays side by side.
What a critical antidote to the rejection of the Chet HaEgel. Yes, you’ve messed up. No, Hashem is not please with you. But the Regalim give an immediate shot in the arm of feeling valued and loveable, by putting us into close contact with those to whom we mean so much. From that position, it is much easier to believe that Hashem hasn’t really rejected us either, but is simply asking us to improve our application.
The Shalosh Regalim as a means of dealing with rejection is a formula we can apply more often than just three times a year. When we feel rejected, the knee-jerk reaction of sitting in a corner alone with a container of ice cream won’t provide long-term healing. Far better to connect with others, rediscover your self-worth, and recognize that the rejection you felt is not as all-encompassing as it may have initially felt.